amcais's Blog

Shooooooooooooooooot, It's Been Awhile!!

   Well, dang, a lot has happened!! Lmao, friends that were once there showed there true colors and are long gone, ex isn't even an issue to me anymore, focusing more on myself, and trying to have fun with my life. I feel like a new and improved person now, but with SO much more unwanted drama in my life.
   I'm starting to really miss the friends that I use to have...I guess I shouldn't though since they treated me worse than OJ Simpson did his wife. I'm not going to drown myself in more drama though because I've had enough of that and it seems like the only way of avoiding it is to just distance myself from everyone else, so, I think I'll just stick to that until I meet some people that won't totally screw me over and I can actually call them friends.


   Oh, now you want to talk to me now that you had your fun and games and got what you wanted from me, right? Well, too bad for you!! You don't deserve to even be around someone as sweet, fun, and awesome as me because you have no idea how to truly appreciate a great woman and you lost your chance to learn!!
   You threw me away like a piece of trash for your ex that doesn't even want you and now karma is biting you on the butt because now you're lonely and starting to miss me :) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, that's just a darn shame for you! You should've thought more before dumping this amazing woman!


   I'm so lost in my feelings right now and I can't seem to untangle myself from this jungle of confusion. I can't seem to escape the memories, but I can see the light at the exit coming closer and closer. When will I make it to the light and be free of this mess?? Hopefully soon!! (No, I'm NOT talking about death!)
   Trust me, I'm NOT going to kill myself over a guy that chose not to be with me, I'm not that pathetic. Just on a journey of moving on from a broken heart and trying desperately make the process go faster! I wish I could just rewind time and go back to when I was happy and everything was perfect.

More Confusion!

   Today totally did NOT go as I expected it to and I can't figure out if I'm disappointed or not. I thought it was going to be absolutely awful, but it wasn't awful at all. I got to hang out with some pretty good friends of my ex and they got a chance to get to know me a little bit better and I think that they're starting to actually like me, lol. I had more fun with them than I did with my ex and I think that actually kind of bothered him. 
   Being accepted by all of his friends for some reason made me feel so happy inside. Maybe because I feel like it brings us closer together? Or, maybe I'm just being stupid and I should just be happy for making new friends, lol.
   I know it seems like I'm a stalker ex girlfriend because I only write about my ex on here, but I promise you that I'm not. I just feel like writing my feelings on here helps me with moving on instead of keeping it inside all of the time. I wish I could get more responses on here so I could have people to talk to about my feelings, but I guess I'm not very good at talking to new people.
   I'm just so confused about us because I can't figure out what he wants and it bothers me so much! If you want to get back together than just do it and if you don't than just tell me and stop wasting my time playing with my emotions by acting like we're dating when we aren't! Just tell me how you actually feel for once instead of just leaving me guessing all of the time!!

Head Games

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So Stupid!

   Ugh, why do guys act so damn stupid?? Why do you break up with a girl that loves you unconditionally and act like you're still dating and want things that you only get when you're dating her, but you still don't want to date her?? It's completely ridiculous and heartless and manipulative!!
   Is it really that hard to just be honest with the girl and tell her exactly how you feel and what you want? I'd rather have a guy hurt me with the truth rather than lie to me to make me feel better and play with my heart and emotions for eight months straight!! It pisses m off and it breaks my heart to always get my hopes up for no reason because I aways end up getting hurt.
  I need to jst move on as fast as possible and never look back.


    Maybe changing myself and the way that I act would be for the best? Why keep looking in the past for something that I'm never going to get? It's pointless and holding me back from possibly actually being happy for once. I should let myself finally move on and see where it could lead me.
   Why can't I run away from the memories and hide from the feelings that crowd around me when I think of those memories? I want to change and grown into a stronger and more confident me that isn't scared to be with someone else and allowing other people to make me happy. Change is always good, so, why am I not allowing myself to do it?

Funny Moment

   Isn't it funny how you keep wishing for something over and over again and when you actually get it it wasn't what you expected at all? Well, that pretty much describes how my whole day went. I wished for it, I got it, and it SUCKED. Another lesson learned the hard way. It would be really nice if I could learn a lesson without having a splitting hedache afterwards.
   I'm so tired of trying to be the nicest person I could possibly be to everyone and getting NOTHING in return for my efforts. I want someone to go out of their way to be nice to me and to try to make me happy and smile. Why not repay my efforts with atleast a hug and inquire how I'm doing or feeling? Is that really such a difficult thing to do??

Rising Up

   Today was good and bad I suppose, but I'm just greatful that it wasn't completely awful. I need all of the good days that I can get because I've had way too many bad ones to deal with. I wish that just for once everything would go good for me in my stupid life.
   I need to be the strong woman that I know I am and push myself forward with my life and know that my future is going to be amazingly bright. The pain I feel and the stress that I have to deal with everyday isn't going to pull me down and drown me because I'm a fghter and I'm going to fight until I get what I think I deserve and that's to be happy. I don't think that is too much to ask for.

Lessons of Moving On

   Today was slightly better than the previous days, which is understandable because time heals all injuries, right? Or, something like that, whatever. The tip to moving on easier is to always stay busy, even if there isn't anything to do, find something!! I learned that it's impossible to heal from a heartbreak if you sit around all day doing nothing except for thinking about the jerk that hurt you.
   Why give him all of the attention when he's most likely off having a wonderful life not even taking the time out of his busy schedule to even wonder if you're still alive or not?? Of course there will be moments where a fond memory will be brought up and you'll think about him and when this happens to me I simply think of a completely different and random topic such as, I wonder what I'm going to have for dinner? Or, The house really needs to be cleaned today. Anything to stop thinking about him because if you do it you'll be sucked into the motions.
   The motions? These are the motions...
   Hmmm, I remember when he did that...
   I wish I knew what he was doing...
   I hope he's doing okay...
   I wonder if he's thinking about me...
   Maybe he'll talk to me now...
   What if he wants to hang out...
   I should text him...
   I'm going to text him...
   No response...
   Yeah, those are the motions of what usually happens when you start thinking about him, well, it is for me anyways. I'm too poud though and I don't want him to see me and think that I'm wallowing in my own saddness wishing I had him back while he moves on. No, I want to be the one to move on first and watch him start to miss me more and more everyday. I want him to come to me and apologize and beg me back.
   I want him to feel exactly how he made me feel, but I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, especially someone that I love. Even if they are undeserving of that love...


  Moving on from you and not looking back at all. I didn't need you before and I definately do not need you now after all of this shit you put me through!! You don't deserve a great girl like me and you'll NEVER be with anyone else like me that would always be there for you no matter what and accept you just the way you are!
   Your little plan to break up with me for your ex THAT DOESN'T EVEN WANT YOU is going to crash and burn and I can't wait for the day that you come crawling back to me so that I can laugh in your face!! You're a pathetic excuse of a man and I have NO idea at all why I ever wasted my time on you when I could've been with someone better, someone that would've actually cared about me instead of lying to me, using me, and breaking my heart!!
   I'm counting down the days for karma to bite you in the butt :)

Fuel On The Flames

   Did you really think that plan of yours would work? You talked about another girl on Twitter while we were dating and you were also talking to other girls! I stuck by your ungrateful side the whole time and accepted you as you were even after you broke up with me and you're going to repay me by leaving me for your ex??
   She wasn't there for you before, so, do you honestly think that it'll be any different now? You're going to try to change yourself for a girl that doesn't even want you instead of beng with a girl that loves you completely in every way possibe just the way you are? Where is the logic in that??
   I guess we just want what we can't have...

Secrets Revealed

   Finding information like that about someone you trusted and loved for so long is absolutely heart breaking. He never cared from the beginning and it hurts more than anything that I've ever felt before. How could he not care at all about what he is doing to me??
   Every corner has a memory with him to remind me of all of the good times that we shared and they follow me everywhere like lions on the hunt. I keep trying to run away from them, but no matter where I hide I can never get away fom them. I feel so stupid and ashamed because I defended him against everyone and it was all for nothing because he still ended up hurting me.
   Moving on from him is going to be so hard, but I know that it has to be done. I know it's dumb, but I just wish he'd say something to me. Anything. None of this makes any sense and I just want him to know just how badly he hurt me and instead he refuses to even be near me now.
   I want to tell him how badly he hurt me, that I didn't do anything to be treated like this, to demand an explination, to just ask why I wasn't enough to make him happy. He used me so badly and played my heart like a fiddle until he broke the strings. I was so stupid and I let my heart lead me into the belly of the beast to be consumed.
   Why can't he just apologize and give me the explination that I deserve?

1-12 of 12 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Shooooooooooooooooot, It's Been Awhile!!, posted October 6th, 2013, 1 comment
Karma, posted February 25th, 2013, 1 comment
Lost, posted February 18th, 2013, 1 comment
More Confusion!, posted February 15th, 2013
Head Games, posted February 14th, 2013
So Stupid!, posted February 11th, 2013
Changes, posted February 10th, 2013
Funny Moment, posted February 6th, 2013
Rising Up, posted February 5th, 2013
Lessons of Moving On, posted February 4th, 2013, 2 comments
:), posted February 3rd, 2013
Fuel On The Flames, posted February 2nd, 2013
Secrets Revealed, posted February 2nd, 2013

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